Obsessed

I feel like I know nothing, and I forgotten everything, as if I am at my early stages of Alzheimer's disease. I cannot write also. And I am hating already whatever I have written so far. One thing that I have realized is that I should start writing, however it may be. It is an outlet at least. Else, I feel as I will go mad with all the crazy things I keep thinking. I keep thinking about why I am, as I am and how should I be. I would like myself to be this awesome person who knows everything, can sing/ dance/ write/ read well, has a great body, and stamina, can play lot of sports, can work hard and party harder, has control over herself, thinks more rather than doing random things without consequences, has the ability to do something worthwhile. Although, I am not sure what is worthwhile. What is the aim of life. Sometime I feel there is no aim in life, but sometimes i feel it is such a selfish way to look at it, but then i feel that if it is so, how does it matter if it selfish. I don't believe in afterlife, that is one thing I am sure of. What I mean is - it does not matter to me if there is an afterlife or not. I dont care. We will see what happens after. I am more concerned about now. So that is my problem. I am more like a - Let it be - kind of a person. But the thing is I also feel guilty about it. Dont I have some responsibilities towards myself, my family, friends, society, nation, humankind, mother nature etc etc.. Well, sometimes people tell me I have. But what is the point of it? One thing that I am feeling these days is - I have forgotten things. I have forgotten books I have read, I have forgotten people I have met, I have forgotten memories of my life - even the good ones, the best ones. I cant seem to recollect them. And that is why, I sometimes make a futile effort to capture moments in cameras. But sometimes I feel that it ruins the moment itself. And I have told this to myself and Arun many times now, I feel I have multiple personalities. I know that an average human being feels many things/ emotions. However, I am not sure if it is normal to feel such plethora of conflicting emotions at the same time. Pushing the pause button for now. I am off to shopping. See, I am mad. But, apparently, this is natural for all girls. So it is fine. I have not even shopped yet, and I am already feeling guilty.